IFIO (‘Intimacy from the Inside Out’) is the name for IFS couples therapy. It applies the principles of IFS parts-work to people in any kind of relationship, but especially to couples.
Being in a relationship with someone else is not easy – most of the time it’s hard enough just being in relationship with ourself. When someone else is involved, there is lots of room for things to go wrong, even when our partner is actually just right for us.
That’s because when we fall in love or begin a relationship, our parts are always there too, though we are mostly unaware of their presence. Our most vulnerable and tender young parts – those that have experienced trauma of some kind – hope to be released from their suffering, placing all kinds of exaggerated expectations on our partner. When these are inevitably disappointed, our manager parts step in to shield those exiles from further hurt; our partner is soon perceived as an aggressor rather than a redeemer.
From here on in, misunderstanding, conflict and resentment multiply rapidly. Meanwhile, our firefighters are standing by to provide relief in their favourite way, bingeing on all kinds of soothing or distractive substances and activities – much to the disgust of the other partner’s managers, who then distance themselves further and deepen the standoff and mutual isolation.
Even the best relationships can lose their way and those that couples that don’t break up literally may do so passively, withdrawing into separate lives within their life together. We seem to be hardwired to form relationships, but not to know how to make them thrive; nor do most of us get taught the necessary skills.
IFS couples therapy understands that when things go wrong, all is not lost. If we can intervene to help the partners see the interplay of their parts in the relationship, we can help them to:
- uncover in a safe and supported way the underlying reasons for their sub-optimal relationship
- break the cycle of conflict, resentment and misunderstanding
- communicate authentically in a way that can be heard and listen in a way that inspires trust
- increase connection and intimacy
- set up a way of relating that they can take home and work with themselves
IFIO gives couples an opportunity/a chance to repair, reboot and rediscover their relationship, and actually to be with their partner in a way that may never have been possible before. This approach is good for any couple:
- in a relationship that is basically good but is turning lacklustre or could do with improvement
- stuck in a bad relationship where they fight, disparage, bicker or have grown apart
- faced with any decision that they can’t agree on, eg whether or not to have children or what their most important priorities are
- where there has already been a serious rupture, eg an affair or separation
- that has decided they actually do want to go their separate ways, but would like to do this in the best way they can – especially if children are involved
- wanting to proactively optimise their communication and avoid pitfalls even when things are going really well
I feel privileged to have trained as an IFIO practitioner and experience great job satisfaction in helping couples sort out their unwanted entanglements.